Welcome to my very first “First Page Critique”
This is a new thing I’m doing. People submit the first page of their manuscript – it can be a completed story, a work in progress, or even a published novel – and I’ll read it for my YouTube channel, and also post a summary here. I’ll then give feedback (or my thoughts on) what’s there. What works, what I think doesn’t. What it does well, and what I think it doesn’t.
Everything I say both on YouTube and on my blog, of course, is just my opinion, and nothing should be taken as The Word of God or any such thing. Even when I seem to phrase it that way.
If you’re interested in having yours read and critiqued, check out the form at URL.
Without further ado, here is the first page of Call Numbers: The Not so Quiet Life of Librarians by Syntell Smith, who was kind and brave enough to volunteer to be the very first person to submit his first page.
“I TELL YA, FRANK,” ROBIN WALKER SAID, “THE WORLD’S GOING TO
hell in a handbasket.”Frank’s Pizza, located east of 23rd Street and Lexington, was the
favorite place for the students attending Baruch College to spend a
dollar twenty-five for a slice. The place was small and only occasionally
crowded. It was the Tuesday after President’s Day, and there was a
clock overhead that said eleven in the morning. Robin was reading a
copy of the Daily News while nibbling on a slice of plain cheese pizza.
He hated pizza toppings. Why mess with perfection by putting
something on top of something? was his favorite explanation for his
preference. He had finished his morning classes and was not due at the
58th Street Branch Library for another three hours. Frank noticed the
student was feeling very opinionated this morning.“I mean, it’s 1994. We got six more years till the new millennium
and God only knows if we’re ready! We got terrorists trying to blow up
the World Trade Center, shootings on the train out in Long Island, and
the first and only Black mayor of New York City getting the boot after
one term.” Robin looked up and nodded toward the flour-faced Italian
behind the register. “You voted for Giuliani, didn’t you, Frank?” he
asked.Worldbuilding
Right from the start, the mention of the address and the pizza place puts it in modern America. The mentioned price, $1.25 would be a good, though not unheard of, price for a slice of pizza near any college today. Later we learn that the year is 1994, so that would be a much more common price back then.
I hadn’t heard of Baruch College, but it is a real place in NYC. So, real-life modern day (well, 30 years ago) New York City is where we’re at. My form doesn’t include information about genre, so I don’t know if this is it for setting, but if any magical or sci-fi elements are going to be included, there’s no hint of them yet.
What do we know about the main character?
Robin has “views” on things. Including pizza toppings. His preference for pizza toppings, or rather the lack thereof, is so important to him that he not only has an explanation for them, he has a favorite explanation.
The list he gives in that last paragraph also shows that he’s politically aware, thinks about what’s going on and how things are connected. And, of course, has views on them as well.
Going back to world building for a moment, notice the cleverness in the last paragraph of telling us about Robin, what’s important to him, and reminding us of the big stories in the world at the same time?
Also, some hints in there at possible themes to come. The phrase describing Frank as a “flour-faced Italian” not only tells us something about Frank, but also about Robin, that he’d describe someone that way. I’m assuming Frank, therefore is white, and Robin is not. Similar to how a white character might refer to a Black character as having “chocolate skin”. (There’s a whole slew of reasons, and essays all over the internet, by the way, explaining why you should never that particular phrase. I won’t go so far as to say “never”, but do be aware of what it says about your character if they’d use that kind of language.)
We’ve also learned that Robin is a college student, and quite likely works at the library on campus. Maybe he’s meeting someone there in a few hours, but I’m guessing the former. Also, he probably doesn’t live on campus or he could have just gone do his dorm or something for a few hours.
Back to themes, and where the story’s possibly going, I have no idea yet what the story will be about. I’m guessing racial relations will be playing a role in it, as that was the only thing that was alluded to three times in the final paragraph, including a reference to “…the first and only Black mayor…’ and Frank as a “flour-faced Italian” and asking if he “voted for Giuliani.”
I didn’t fact check the “first and only Black mayor” part, by the way, but there were enough details of the world layered in by then that I knew were correct that I’m trusting the narrator enough to take his word on it.
What does Robin want? What’s he going to do next, and what complications is he going to have? It’s too early to tell. Nothing is really hinted at in the first page, though I expect an argument from Frank very soon.I also did a live video where I read and discussed this page. That video can be found at https://studio.youtube.com/video/JC8euvu3lT0/edit
To learn more about Syntell Smith and his work:
- Website: http://www.authorsyntellsmith.com
- Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/syntellsmith
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/syntell.smith
- Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/jetblack927
To submit a page of your own to a future First Page Critique: https://pluther.us/submission-for-first-page-critique/
You can find all my First Page Critiques on my YouTube channel.
If you want to be notified when I am live, you can follow me on Twitch.