Hello, welcome back once again to First Page Feedback! It’s been a few months since the last one. I plan on updating this feature more regularly in the future. In this series, I’ll be reading the first page of a work in progress, or a published work, or, on weeks where nobody submits anything, something from the public domain. and give my impressions & feedback.
As with any writing advice, this should not be seen as gospel truth. I also vary it a bit. For a work in progress, I try to include notes on how it could be improved. For a published work, including those in the public domain, my main focus is what I or other authors can learn, good or bad, from the page.
Today’s page comes from the published novel Cecaelians & Secrets by Angela Kern
"Meow."
I cracked one eye balefully. Brightness burned my retina. I yawned, jaw cracking painfully, and turned over onto my left side, appreciating that one blissful moment of peace afforded by a good night's sleep. It wouldn't last long. As my body woke, so would its enemy. But in this brief moment, there was a reprieve. I savored it, luxuriating in the joy of simply feeling “normal.” A movement jostled the end of the bed. "Good morning." A fuzzy black face appeared in my vision. Hot cat breath and kitty kisses. “Ugh, stop. Samson. Stooooop." My hand left the warmth and safety of the covers to scritch his head while trying to avoid the jaws of doom. I failed and he latched on to the meaty pad under my pinky, sinking in his teeth just to the edge of ouch. I pulled the covers off my face to glare at him. He relented, then gave a pitiful mew.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. You're starving to death. Poor baby."
Jumping down from the bed, he padded off into the kitchen to wait. He knew the routine. Sighing, I resolved to get up. I started with my toes, gently wiggling them, feeling the tingle and burn begin. I stretched my arches and rotated my ankles. Pins and needles began flooding my feet. Gently, I stretched my calves - ah shit - burning, cramping, Charley horse oh god ow ow ow ow ooh okay it's easing ... thighs, thighs are okay ... hips are sore, achy, stiff, not too bad ... lower back, ooooohhhh that's really sore ... upper body and arms are okay today, hands feel good, neck turns freely, no pounding headache. My jaw was a little sore and I had that tightness behind my eyes that meant a possible migraine later, but in the moment, I was good. I could move, nothing was excruciating, all of my parts were in working order. Hmmm. All of my parts? Better take advantage. I grinned to myself, reached over to my nightstand drawer and pulled out Roger. His cheerful pink color and adorable bunny ears tickled my sense of humor, as always. Pushing the button that got Roger's ears twitching, I licked my lips, anticipating the vibration. Nothing happened.
"Fuck."
"Meooooow."
“Fuck.”General
One of the most quoted bits of “wisdom” you’ll see in writers’ forums is never start a story with your main character waking up.
In this case, though, it’s not that the character woke up and looked at herself in a mirror or something. In this case, it’s about the process the character goes through when she wakes up. So, to every rule, an exception.
Setting
I think, more than anything else, the words “kitty” and “kitchen” establish it very quickly as our modern world. Also, the idea of a house where you could walk from the bedroom to the kitchen (where you keep the cat food) puts it pretty close to now. Or, if not now, no longer ago than the 20th century. But, I suspect modern.
Let’s talk about “kitty” real quick. I don’t actually know how old the word is, but it sounds modern. It could be like the Tiffany problem which, if you’re not familiar with it, the issue is that the name Tiffany sounds like a very modern name, so if you use it in a story set in the 14th century, a modern audience will be jarred out of the story with the anachronism. The irony being that a 14th century audience wouldn’t have a problem with it, as the name actually originated closer to the 12th century.
But, as one of the first readers of an early draft of my novel put it, “The truth is no excuse.” You still have to sell it. So, even if “kitty” is older than Chaucer, you’ll have to convince an audience of that fact before dropping it on them.
Speaking of selling it, I think the author does a good job here, and here’s a clever little trick I noticed: She went through a whole litany of pains, starting with pins and needles in the feet to a Charley horse, and a few minor aches and pains elsewhere, including an oncoming migraine.
And then at the end of it, “nothing was excruciating, all of my parts were in working order.”
By dismissing such pains as “basically nothing” she does a better job of illustrating what a heavy pain day would be like than describing a heavy pain day directly would.
Also reiterates the seriousness of it so it doesn’t look like the main character is just whining.
And reiterates it again as she reaches for the vibrator, which I think would be the last thing I’d want after waking up to that much pain.
Worldbuilding
It looks like just our world. If there are any supernatural elements, they haven’t surfaced yet. That’s often the case with contemporary fantasy, though, while such elements can take a while to show up.
Aside from someone used to chronic pain and who has a cat, we don’t know much about our character yet. What does she want? How’s she going to get it? What gets in her way? (Anything other than her condition in her way?)
Questions
There really aren’t any questions raised that I’m curious about the answers to. Nor are there really any indication about where the story is going from here?
The profanity and mention of the vibrator set expectations about what kind of book this would be. Some disagree, but it’s my personal opinion that it’s best to work these kinds of things in early, even on the first page, so that those who would be turned off on them can leave right away.
Misc
You can find out more about Angela Kern from her web site https://www.angelakern.com/
Cecaelians & Secrets is available now everywhere books are sold, and a sequel, Pixies & Promises, is soon to be released.
There is a video of me reading the selection and commenting about it on my YouTube channel, at https://youtu.be/9aYuV2vhFHg
For more information, or to submit your first page, see https://pluther.us/submission-for-first-page-critique/
Previous First Page Feedback can be seen on my channel at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLISWJL9QWezqUWShWeICm8IeCiiTttTuc
Each page will also be put on my blog, along with my written comments. You can see them all at https://pluther.us/category/writing/first-page-critique/
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